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Published on January 29th, 2014 | by Flipside

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10 Ways to Use Your Student

The university’s (arguably) greatest student media publication – The Student – has been doing the rounds in Edinburgh’s buildings for over 120 years. Although the folks at Student don’t like to talk about it, the paper is actually the oldest student publication in the whole of the UK, and was founded by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson.

Beyond its obviously compelling journalism, the high-status of paper amongst the population of the university is arguably down to the diverse uses it possesses, which make it a must-have tool for all students, for whom time is at a premium, and money a quickly depleting resource. Here, to mark Semester 2’s first edition of the paper, which was released last week, Flipside brings you 10 ways to use your Student.

1) Laundry Day – We’ve all been there. Out of clean underwear, forgot to put the wash on. Nightmare. It’ll be a good few hours before your wash cycle is done, and your clothes are wet, particularly if you lack the fine kitchen utility which is a tumble drier. Never fear. When used alongside sellotape, The Student comes to the rescue as a makeshift pair of boxer shorts. Adjust number of Students depending on waist size.

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2) No Need for Central Heating – Contrary to suggestions by previous editors, The Student don’t even publish on fireproof paper, and thus, the thousands of editions left in the distribution boxes at the library each week can be used as fuel during the winter months.

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3) Raise that table – A standard edition of The Student is 32 pages long. 32 pages of cutting edge journalism, or alternatively, if folded over, 64 pages worth of thickness to raise up your dodgy flat dining table. One student news editor’s article recently had many questioning the hiring policy of the paper, but Flipside thought it was superb at highering.

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4) Free Toilet Roll – This is a particularly crude, but resourceful way to use your Student. Don’t feel bad about filling the Student with faeces, you’re only providing a literal interpretation to what would metaphorically be in there anyway. DISCLAIMER: Flipside in no way advocates you read the Journal.

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5) Dry Out Those Damp Shoes – This one is perhaps the most difficult. Flipside struggled to fill the shoes with The Student, in the same way The Student struggles to fill its pages with interesting stuff.

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6) Read the Special ‘Mandela’ Edition – Not many people know this, but back in December, The Student published a special ‘Mandela tribute’ edition of the paper that looked suspiciously like The Metro’s edition published on the same day. Unfortunately, the printers were damaged part way through press, and only one copy actually made it to the library distribution boxes. If you can locate it within Edinburgh, you will have a gem on your hands.

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7) Burn it to Symbolise the Start of a Mass Student Protest – Nothing symbolises the start of a mass student protest more than burning a widely known icon of oppression and propaganda, such as The Student. If possible, use it as a torch, hanging from a notorious cheap and nasty alcoholic beverage container (see picture) in order to make your low student budget, and difficult lifestyle, known.

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8) Save your Library Seat – Getting a seat in the library, as we all know, can be virtually impossible. The heartbreak of leaving this seat part way through the day can be even greater, especially when one knows that some righteous reveller will almost certainly move your stuff and sit in your place, whilst quoting the ‘no reserving space’ rule to you. Putting multiple copies of The Student on your desk will almost definitely prevent this.

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9) Clean Stuff Up – I think you’ve got the trend by now. Use The Student to do your dirty work. It well and truly deserves it.

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10) Keep that HUB Book – It’s pretty damn annoying when that book you desperately need for a coursework essay/exam revision is in the dreaded HUB Reserve, meaning you can only keep it for a pretty shocking 3 hours. Don’t worry though, although HUB books are pretty scarce, The Student certainly isn’t; there’s over 4,000 of them printed every week, so don’t feel bad about scanning your HUB Reserve at the book return hatch and then putting The Student on the conveyor belt, as this video demonstrates.

 

 

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