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Published on December 10th, 2015 | by Flipside

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10 Worst Lies EUSA President Jonny Ross-Tatum Has Told

Today marks EUSA President Jonny Ross-Tatum’s birthday, but there is to be no celebration across campus. To mark this anniversary of university-wide doom, Flipside editors were up all night yesterday trying to cut down Ross-Tatum’s biggest lies to only ten, but after copious mixes of Red Bull, MDMA, and Sherbet Dib-Dabs, we finally did it. Here are the ten most shameful lies told by the man whom The Tab know as ‘Adolf Trump’.

10. He doesn’t even go here.

After frequent pleas and angry letters from The Tab, Jonny Ross-Tatum has never shown his birth certificate, yet claims to be from Edinburgh. Because of this not only can we not be sure that he’s from Edinburgh, we don’t even know if he’s of this Earth.

9. He’s not really excited about Star Wars.

You’d think that the President of EUSA would take inspiration from great leaders like Darth Vader and The Emperor, right? Despite claiming that EUSA are behind the new Star Wars film, inside sources have recorded Ross-Tatum stating he is “a bit more of a Trekkie, to be honest.” What a bastard.

8. Today isn’t his real birthday.

Despite putting his birthday as 10th December 1993 on Facebook, Flipside can exclusively reveal that Ross-Tatum was actually born on 25th December in the year 0 in a manger in Bethlehem. How can you stand behind this liar, sheeple??

7. He’s not really related to Channing Tatum.

You heard it here first.

6. Student employment on campus hasn’t increased by 20%.

The EUSA President has claimed that their campaign for more student employment on campus has increased it by 20%, when easily accessible figures show that the campaign has risen it by 33%. Can you really trust someone who isn’t aware of how successful their good intentions are? Didn’t think so.

5. He didn’t invite us to his party.

Flipside has proved itself to be the bastion of student journalism in Edinburgh day-in and day-out, so where is our invite to your party, Jonny? Where is it?

4. He doesn’t like piña coladas.

Or getting caught in the rain.

3. He’s not related to Ross from ‘Friends’ either.

Lying little shit.

2. His name might actually have an ‘h’ in it.

Ross-Tatum has been incredibly tight-lipped on the subject of whether you spell his name as ‘Jonny’ or ‘Johnny’. The press is totally confused after conflicting statements. Maybe if he revealed his birth certificate then all this could be avoided…

1. He doesn’t care about your well-being.

Jonny Ross-Tatum claims to care for every student, regardless of gender, race, sexuality, class, or football team alignment, AND YET HE STILL HASN’T CALLED. THE DATE WAS A WEEK AGO. YOU STILL HAVEN’T CALLED. WAS IT SOMETHING WE SAID? DID WE HAVE SOMETHING ON OUR FACE? WHY, JON-JON?? WWWWWHHHHHHYYYYYYYY???!?!?!?!

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