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Politics

Published on August 28th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Assad “just too sweet” to be condemned says US Secretary of State

DAMASCUS – US Secretary of State John Kerry has been congenially dissuaded from a US intervention in Syria after being warmly mellowed by Bashar al-Assad’s velvety discourse and comforting gaze.

Upon Kerry’s first meeting with Assad in Syria, the volatile President proceeded to bow his head with his arms draped in front of his body. He then slowly lifted his head back up again, raised his eyebrows and gently fluttered his lashes. The U.S Secretary of State responded by lowering himself down to Assad’s level, rubbing the small of his back and whispering ‘Hey there little guy, it’s all going to be okay’.

Kerry was mobbed by reporters on his return to the states where he claimed that there was no evidence to suggest that Assad had used any chemical weapons during the Syrian unrest. ‘I could just see it in his face. He hasn’t broken the law. The only thing that he’s broken is my heart’.

Outraged citizens quizzed President Barack Obama on Kerry’s seemingly outrageous decision to which he replied ‘Oh come on guys. He’s fucking adorable’.

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