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Commentary

Published on November 17th, 2015 | by Flipside

0

5 Ways To Get Rid Of Mice.

Five Ways To Get Rid Of Mice.

Winter is coming. And along with it, so are the mice. Flooding in from the Pentland Hills, where they spent their summer break, mice have descended upon Edinburgh. This has caused widespread panic. In a conversation with Flipside, Antoine Dodson said ‘The mice are climbin’ in yo windows, snatchin’ yo cornflakes up, tryin’ to poop on ’em. So y’all need to hide yo cornflakes, hide yo branflakes, and hide yo bread cause they poopin’ on everywhere’.

The hassle of having to add an extra tenant, or tenants in unfortunate cases of having to home more than one mouse, onto a flat lease is extensive. Also, the added responsibility of having to feed these furry friends is just too much.

Thus Flipside reached out to NHS Scotland’s Mice Help Service for advice, and this is what they had to say:

  1. Get rats. Rats have been known to be effective guard dogs against mice. Research by Edinburgh University’s top scientist, Charles Darwin, found just last year that this was because mice feel inferior in relation to their rodent counterparts. Darwin concluded that this was because rats carry 1 trillion more deadly diseases than mice do.
  2. Campaign and obtain independence. This advice has largely been put forward by Nicola Sturgeon, who exclaimed ‘This would not happen in an independent Scotland. The mice invasions are subversive plans by the English to make Scots move further up North into the Highlands and thus steal further land from the Scottish heartland.’
  3. Opt for non-vegan non-gluten-free lactose non-sugar and non-fat-free snacks to mess with mice’s strict vegan, gluten-free, lactose-free, sugar-free, fat-free lifestyle.
  4. Move to New Town. Mice prefer the homeliness and quirky character of flats in Old Town. The minimalist features that are common in flats in New Town are not to the mice of Edinburgh’s taste so they tend to avoid that area.
  5. Join the mice. Turn on your flat mates and force them out of the flat. The mice are kinder and stronger than your flat mates will ever be. In a way, flatmates and mice are similar, they steal your cereal, make a mess and have no respect for personal boundaries. So if you cannot beat them, join them and murder all of your flat mates, the mice will respect you and make you their leader.

But remember: mice are friends for not just winter, but for life.

 

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