Published on March 5th, 2015 | by Flipside0
6 and a half things you didn’t know EUSA had banned
This week, EUSA has caused controversy by banning, un-banning, and subsequently re-banning ‘strawpedoing’ in its venues.
This is another instance in a string of high-profile bannings, which includes Blurred Lines, The Sun and Lad Banter, but there are lots of others things that EUSA has banned which you may not be aware of:
1. Samba Dancing in Teviot – “White males samba dancing is the ultimate form of cultural appropriation and is offensive to the upmost degree,” said EUSA VPS Tasha Boardman. “EUSA decided several weeks back that only those who could biologically prove that they had a Brazilian relative less than two generations back will be allowed to Samba Dance.”
Dash Sekhar VPAA added: “I don’t understand where you got that this was a ban from. We’ve not banned it per se, it’s more that you will get ejected from the building and won’t be allowed to re-enter if you are caught doing it. I don’t understand how you could extrapolate that to a ban.”
2. Shits in the library toilet lasting more than 3 minutes – “EUSA is about access, and people can’t access the toilet if there’s someone in there taking a fucking twelve stone shit for several hours,” said Eve Livingston VPSA.
“Essentially this isn’t a ban on taking a shit lasting more than 3 minutes, it’s more of a no-platform policy, and a literal one. We will be placing a platform in all of the library toilet cubicles, and once your 3 minutes are up, that platform will be removed to give way to a trap door taking you right down into the Hugh Robson dungeon.”
3. Soul Music – In 2013, Robin Thicke’s ‘Blurred Lines’ was banned on campus, but earlier this year, Marvin Gaye’s family sued Thicke, after claiming that ‘Blurred Lines’ sampled the bassline from Gaye’s ‘Got to Give it Up’. As VPAA Dash Sekhar explained: “In my music degree, I learnt that basslines form the basis to most songs. Since Gaye’s family is claiming the bassline to ‘Blurred Lines’ is his, he provided the basis for a song about rape apology. We can’t stand for that, and therefore we have decided to stop all of Gaye’s music, and songs that are canonized as being from the same loosely defined musical genre, from being played in EUSA Bars.
“This is not a ban though, we’re more choosing not to play soul music, and choosing for you that you won’t play that music either, as well as choosing to remove you from the university if you are caught doing so. Call it a ‘ban’ if you want but in real terms that’s what it is.”
4. Murdering People – “This is pretty obvious. It’s illegal in real life, so why would you be allowed to do it at university?” said EUSA President Briana Pegado. “Our campus isn’t some isolated bubble where we operate and abide by different standards from the rest of society. We can’t shield you from the harsh realities of life; if you murder someone, you get put in prison. As a side note, it would violate our Dignity and Respect Policy.”
5. Daniel M. Swain – “The lawyers are still looking at this one, so I’d prefer not to comment” said Dash Sekhar VPAA. Briana Pegado added: “Again, it’s not a ban, or ‘censorship’. It’s more that Swain is not allowed on campus, and will be removed if he enters the area.”
6. The Journal – “You must have wondered why The Journal hasn’t been appearing on campus recently, and probably thought it wasn’t publishing anymore. Actually it was making the university look bad and we’ve banned it. Or rather, we haven’t banned it, we’ve more not given them a platform to place it anywhere on campus, and have said that they will be hit with legal action if they do so. I suppose the right-wing sensationalist media will term it as another ‘ban’ though,” said Eve Livingston.
6.5. Political Views that align to the authoritarian right of the Labour Party – “There is literally no way we could actually ever get this through our democratic structures, even with our questionably unaccountable checks and balances system, so it’s not really a full ban, but we wouldn’t recommend it.
Instead, we’re just going to offer a suitably ambiguous statement, which combines the phrases ‘censorship’, ‘ban’, ‘no platform’ and ‘constitutionally obliged’ in order to make it perfectly unclear what will happen if someone does express these views” – EUSA Sabb Team Statement.