Published on November 30th, 2015 | by Flipside0
6 in 5 Scottish people don’t know what the fuck St. Andrew did.
A study conducted by the people who study things has determined that 6 in 5 Scottish people don’t know what the fuck St. Andrew, the patron saint of Scotland, actually did.
As it is his day today, Flipisde felt we would educate the Scottish people as to what the man actually did. Here it is, the honest truth, from the bible and stuff.
“Once there was a man named Andrew (nope not a saint yet). He was a very good man, and went around the world doing good things. He met Jesus and Jesus said he was very nice, so he went wandering to Greece where he beat a bear in an arm wrestle and called the devil a prick to his face. Then he went to Scotland and single-handedly (he only had one hand, after losing the other one in another arm wrestle with a wolf-bear-tiger-dog), invaded England, and gave them all a good seeing to, and was rewarded by God with sainthood. After that he personally oversaw Scottish victories at the battle of Stirling Bridge and Bannock-burn, and God said well done again and said Scotland should be independent 4 eva and they all agreed with the declaration of Arbroath. When St Andy died at the tender age of 1376 years old, they made a cathedral dedicated to him in Fife, although the name of the town it was built in has been lost. The end.” –Leviticus 3.15.7.
So there you have it, now you all know what St Andrew actually did.
In all actuality, he was from the Middle East and really has nothing to do with Scotland. He allegedly did fight his way through a forest in Greece with bears in it, and tigers too, (no record of tigers being in Greece, especially by the first century AD). Then he chose to be crucified instead of being sacrificed to pagan gods, but not as crucified as Jesus was as that wouldn’t be right. Apparently his bones were brought to Scotland (they almost certainly weren’t) and then various kings used him to support their own political agenda, and his symbol became part of the flag.
The facts are genuinely as nonsensical as the satire here. We don’t know anymore. Fuck it lets all get a drink like we are meant to…..aww that is St. Patricks day isn’t it? :(.