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Published on June 7th, 2016 | by Flipside

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6 Tips To Help Graduates Get a Fucking Job

 

Uni’s out, and for thousands upon thousands of students that means staring into the terrifying existential void that is their future with no idea whatsoever of what it might entail. But fear not! Flipside lifestyle expert Oregano Malaise is right on hand with some useful tips to help you get a fucking job

  1. Dress smart

That means ditching the trackies/fluffy dressing gown/corduroy dungarees you’ve been wearing for the last few years and looking like you mean business. Turn up to job interviews in black tie to show potential employers that you take pride in your appearance, will bring a touch of class to the office and have a sense of occasion

  1. Cast your net wide

Part of getting employed means probably getting rejected a few times, so it doesn’t hurt to go broad with where you send your CV. I have applied to fisheries, oil rigs, boutique nail salons, Greggs, PR Firms, research laboratories MI5 and Google, and am currently waiting to hear back. Because here’s the thing – with a degree in Art History, you can do anything

  1. Change your name to something more exciting.

I’m an employer looking at two CVs with similar credentials. On the one hand is Bob Jones, who seems like a decent bloke, but on the other hand is the beguiling Barobbo Jonesiana, a man of mystery, intrigue and unfathomable beauty. I know who I’m hiring. Oli May or Oregano Malaise? Exactly.

  1. Proudly burp, sneeze or fart

This will show any interviewer you absolutely mean business, and will not let something absurd like the socially constructed politeness around bodily functions get in the way of your meeting. You are here to get a job, and it is pointless pretending that you haven’t eaten an enormous burrito on the way to the office, spilling some of it down the front of your elegant ball gown.

  1. Be from as many minorities as possible

White men everywhere will tell you just how hard it is for them to get a job these days now that companies are so afraid of being seen as discriminatory. Political correctness gone mad is what it is. In the last five years or so we as a society have totally undone all the thousands of years of systematic racist/sexist oppression, and if anything, in this competitive job market, women and ethnic minorities even have the upper edge!

  1. It’s not what you know, it’s who you bang

You can forget everything else and remember the one simple truth underlying every single book about how to succeed in the job market: whoever you are, you can always bang your way to the top. Luck, hard work, skill and raw talent pale into insignificance compared to who you’ve banged, so sleep with as many people as possible, because you never know who might be a useful contact, or better, someone you can blackmail. Definitive proof that you mean business.

 

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