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Commentary

Published on November 21st, 2015 | by Flipside

0

6 Ways The Student Left Is Helping YOU On Campus

Ah, the Student Left. University wouldn’t be the same without it. That implacable group of whining ninnies who can’t for the life of them see how literally every other person in the student body – and on Earth – doesn’t agree with every single one of their batshit-impractical policies. But they’re not all bad! Just mostly.

Here’s 5 ways the Student Left have radically altered your student experience at Edinburgh

1. Blurred Lines:

Remember sitting in the Library Bar, when that catchy bastion of misogynism ‘Blurred Lines’ started blaring out the speakers, and everyone ignored the song’s debauchery and got up to dance off their bee-hinds? NO! You don’t remember that, because the EUSA of yesteryear got it banned, and instead you’ve had to put up with lots of other shitty songs in EUSA venues. Go Student Left!

2.  Divestment!

From like, a few of the companies that they don’t think the university should be involved with. Definitely not all of them, but this is a big win for the lefty crusaders over at People and Planet. Has it made a tangible difference to your everyday student experience…? No. But we all had a great time occupying some university property, right guys!? Still, we don’t have to listen to Blurred Lines anymore, and that’s a big old win for the Left!

3.  Politics!

Last year, members of the Student Left campaigned tirelessly for Bonnie Scotland, land of the free and home of the Braveheart, to be an independent country, and they succeeded! Only in Glasgow and Dundee though, Edinburgh going firmly in the ‘No’ campaign, with much of the rest of Scotland. But the significance of this failure cannot be understated. I mean they failed, but…it was reasonably close, right? And Jeremy Corbyn is leader of the Labour Party now, which is great for the Left! Even if means Labour definitely won’t get into power for a good 10 years or so as a result, and the Tories can do pretty much whatever the fuck they want in the meantime. Here at Flipside, we think Jezza C would be chuffed that Blurred Lines is no longer played in Edinburgh University’s union buildings.

4. Saving Bristo Square!

They did it! On behalf of skaters everywhere, the Student Left – none of whom have ever skateboarded, and actually thought the ‘Skate Board’ was an NGO trying to preserve the increasingly rare sea creature – saved Bristo Square! I mean they didn’t, but bless ‘em, they tried. Anyway, at least Robin Thicke is off our airwaves!

5. Getting Arms Groups out of the Careers Fair:

Yup, that’s a pretty big one, right? At Student Council, the Left got in enough people to vote AGAINST having arms companies at the careers fair! It was of course immediately overturned, due to the fact that all of the Engineers at Edinburgh actually want the prospect of employment, same as everyone else,

and 75% of them might eventually be employed by arms companies, but still…it means something, somehow. Maybe.

6.  Palestine:

Due to the hardcore, uninformed, firmly blinkered views of the Student Left, Palestine is now free of all warfare and occupation! Seriously, it’s now like, totally safe guys – all thanks to the Student Left! Palestine thanked members of the Edinburgh Student Left saying ‘We couldn’t have done it without you, and we appreciate all the time and work you put in to forming a deep and nuanced understanding of the conflict!’

Ok. That’s not really ‘true’ as such…but… Blurred Lines isn’t a thing in Teviot anymore, and we’re allowed to strawpedo again at Big Cheese. That definitely counts for something…right guys? RIGHT!?!

 

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