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Commentary

Published on February 23rd, 2016 | by Flipside

0

6 Ways to get the perfect beach body

It’s mid-Frebruary and freezing outside, but society’s expectations are already weighing heavy on our insecurities. You’re gross and awful now, but come summer, you’ll be PERFECT. How? With the help of Flipside‘s resident lifestyle expert, Ignacio Thwump. That’s how.

 

  1. Cover yourself in cling film:

 

Sand gets EVERYWHERE, but you can wave your sandy crack goodbye with this simple solution. Just cover your body head-to-toe in cling film, and you can have all the fun of the beach with none of the hassle!

 

  1. Make sure you have enough sun cream!

 

Sun bathing is great, but it’s basically just asking for skin cancer. Make sure to cover yourself in factor 50 sun cream, and re-apply every nine to twelve minutes to be extra safe, even if it’s not hot or sunny. Drink some sun cream to stop those dangerous rays getting inside and giving you full-blown body cancer!

 

  1. Shave your head:

 

Sea salt is bad for your hair, and sand is basically its nemesis. The only way round this? Shave your head for that smooth, domey summer look all your friends will envy

 

  1. Turn your skin into a wetsuit:

 

Obviously the sea is cold, and sand and your skin don’t agree, but what if instead of skin, you had A WETSUIT! With some simple alchemy you can turn your skin into a neoprene wetsuit; suddenly, your body’s always ready for the beach!

 

  1. Watch, read and listen to ‘The Beach’ by Alex Garland:

 

This classic story about the life and times of a beach is the perfect companion for your beach holiday! Especially the audiobook. Knowing how it feels to be a beach will dramatically improve your holiday.

 

  1. Be a sea lion:

Sea lion bodies are perfectly adapted for life on the beach. Work out, eat well, wear your sexiest beachwear and act like all the sand doesn’t bother you, your body will still never be as perfect for the beach as that of a FUCKING SEA LION!

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