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Commentary

Published on December 19th, 2015 | by Flipside

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8 Fun and Practical Christmas Gifts

1.     An avocado food hugger:

Avocado is suddenly way more fashionable than you’ve ever been and eating it is your main way of staying current. But you’ve only eaten half of it and the other half is losing colour faster than Michael Jackson in whatever year it was he changed skin colour. How you gonna stop it from going “Bad” (like Michael Jackson’s song/reputation)? The avocado food hugger (Also doubles up as a condom if you have a perfectly spherical penis).

2.     Books:

Books are long and most of them have too many pages and people will never read them. Why not remove some of these pages? Easy fix. They can then be used for multiple other purposes (toilet papier, kindlin’, paper cut your enemies). The useless spine can then be used as a petit bourgeois doorstop. “Is that a Hemingway I spy propping open your door? I never liked his work either. Care to have sex?”  Expect to have this conversation all the time.

3.     Slogan Tees:

Unimaginative people everywhere love a good slogan tee, as it can encapsulate your non-event of a personality in one simple gesture. Whether you’re a ‘Female Body Inspector’, or you ‘Believe In Yourself’, or just want to assure the world that ‘Chic Happens’, you can cement your personal brand in the psyche of millions of easily-led potential lovers/boob-gazers with a stylish tee.

4.     Nail polish remover-remover:

Ever get that thing where you remove your nail polish, but then find your nails are suddenly covered in nail polish remover? Oh bother! You would say to yourself – but no more! With easy to apply nail polish remover-remover, your nails will be good as new before you can say ‘I can’t believe it’s not nail polish remover!’ A nailed on Christmas favourite!

5.     A central London penthouse apartment:

The perfect stocking filler! Who couldn’t use one of these tasty treats? We all need shelter every once in a while, and sometimes you just need immediate access to Canary Wharf! Prices start at ‘HOLY FUCK HOW MUCH!?!?!’

6.     Name a star after a loved one:

There are – literally – DOZENS of stars in the sky. Hundreds, even. And some of these stars don’t even have names like real people. They have names like Andromeda 63P9RRJX, which is a stupid name. Rename them after your auntie Jean 63P9RRJX, who will always remember what you did for her. Fun and practical.

7.     Sponsor a distant animal:

Just like having a pet, with none of the fun, responsibility, good times, memories, closeness or poo-bags. A blind donkey/injured orang-utan/snake with severe anxiety somewhere in the jungles of Borneo will love and appreciate you more than any domesticated mongrel ever could, before it dies of sadness/winter/consumption in early Feb.

8.     Adele’s boyfriend from the past:

This guy must have been an absolute hoot, as Adele wrote a string of mediocre but chart-topping, record-breaking albums about their sticky break-up, and basically nothing else (although ‘My Sticky Break-Up’ isn’t a great album title). Fall in love with him, have an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship, learn how to do a key change, and within 3 years you could be a heartbroken global pop megastar! Fun and practical.

 

 

 

 

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