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Commentary

Published on October 14th, 2016 | by Flipside

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A Confused Boris Johnson Announces: ‘We Need To Take The Fight To The Ottoman Empire.’

Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson has made clear his intentions to take the fight to the long-defunct Ottoman Empire. Speaking in Parliament Johnson stated, ‘There are many reason why it is vital to take the fight to the un-Christian Ottomans. There are reports of incursions towards the Egyptian border, thereby threatening our control of the Suez Canal and placing our trade links to our possessions in India, Malaya, Burma and the Australian and New Zealand colonies at risk. It is also important to display to the Tsarist Empire that spheres of imperial influence be respected as reports suggest Cossack troops are operating in Assyria. It is hoped that upon a successful conclusion of the conflict we can realise the dream of a Jewish homeland, something we expect to be warmly welcomed by the Arab populations of the region.’

However, the cabbage faced Johnson was keen to stress the intention to avoid the deployment of troops into the region saying, ‘Due to the demands of British Army operations in Flanders against the German invader, we would hope to negate the need for ‘boots on the ground’ and achieve victory through other means. As such, a Naval taskforce will be sent to the Dardanelles to silence the Gallipoli forts and force a route through to Constantinople and the Black Sea. Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the seas!’

Meanwhile, Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn stressed the need to open a peaceful dialogue with the Soviet Union, and called for the removal of the United States’ Jupiter missiles stationed in Turkey.

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