Published on March 1st, 2016 | by Flipside0
Adele’s Ex to Rent Himself Out to Aspiring Singer-Songwriter’s
The ex-boyfriend of global superstar and generally nice-seeming lady Adele is to begin renting himself out to up-and-coming singers, in the hope he can break their heart and inspire a series of record-breaking, chart-topping albums.
“I’m really the man behind Adele’s success, and she didn’t even dedicate one of those Brit awards to me. The cheek. If I hadn’t broken up with her and generally been kind of a dick, you’d all still think ‘Adele’ is a type of computer. By hiring myself out in three-month stints to young performers looking for a big break, I’m hoping I can bring them untold levels of pain, misery and heartbreak, which will inevitably lead to them producing powerful and inspiring yet melancholic ballads, cause apparently the public eats that shit up.”
He says he will charge a flat rate for three months of his services, which will include him cancelling dates at the last minute, abusing his clients with digs about their appearance, talent and worldview, before finally cheating on them with a loved one, which they will discover through errant text messages (or whatsapp). He describes his service as ‘flexible’, saying he can tailor the package to any aspiring performers, while demanding only 10% in royalties for ‘creative inspiration’ when their fledgling careers inevitably take off, even though they are emotionally shattered.
“Ike Turner missed a huge gap in the market after he and Tina broke up. We all have skills in this world, and I know mine – emotionally abusing kind performers into exploring the darkest parts of their psyche and making dull but extremely marketable music.”