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Politics

Published on November 5th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Alex Salmond Attempts to Blow Up Westminster: Found Pissed In Vaults With Sparkler.

Breaking News: In the early hours of the morning of November 5th, Alex Salmond, former SNP leader, attempted to blow up Westminster.  These events have taken place on the anniversary of Guy Fawkes’ famous attempt to destroy the houses of Parliament, and this was no coincidence.

Salmond commented, “I had hoped to finish what he started. Did you know that Fawkes was Scottish (he wasn’t)? Anyway, the plan was perfect. I got myself elected as an MP, giving me access to the parliament buildings. I was going to plant highly powerful explosives below and just make the whole thing go bang!”

However, Salmond’s plan seems to have come unstuck when he stopped off at the pub the night before. He was found seven hours later, “pissed off his tits, waving a saltire and  sparkler around screaming ‘Freedom’, before accidentally setting his saltire on fire and then passing out”, according to an officer at the scene.

Salmond will face charges for his actions. As his burning of the Scottish flag has been seen as a hate crime. Plus he was apparently sick everywhere, which was very inconvenient for all involved and a bit yucky.

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