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Entertainment

Published on November 28th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Alex Salmond to substitute Scottish police with Twitter

Alex Salmond has come under severe criticism for his police reform policies, which intend to replace Scottish police stations with Twitter. Critics have pointed out that these changes are likely to give Salmond’s fellow dubious characters an easier task. The Scottish First Minister has closed sixty-five front desks in police stations and recommend that the public should instead report crimes by Twitter. Despite @policescotland itself warning people not to report crimes via Twitter, Salmond is adamant that his scheme will work.

Local resident Joe Bloggs had this to say about his traumatic experience last week: ‘I was walking to Poundland  the other day and my phone was nicked. How can I bloody report a crime on Twitter if I don’t have my phone?!’ His grandmother added, “I only learnt how to dial 999 last week, I don’t have a clue about how to get onto this ‘tweeter’’.

Although @policescotland has a healthy following of 19,000, this remains somewhat short of Scotland’s 5 million population. An Edinburgh resident, who wished to remain anonymous, reported that he recently witnessed a crime, but by the time that he managed to install Twitter and create an account, the criminal had made it from the Royal Mile to Birmingham.

Therefore the conclusion we can draw is that while in the summer the tourists from the Far East, with their highly advanced smartphones, will be able to report a crime in seconds, come the winter we’ll have to rely on Craig the farmer sending a letter to his daughter at home asking her to report the crime via their dial-up internet.

Alex Salmond was unavailable for comment.

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