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Commentary

Published on October 12th, 2017 | by Flipside

0

All Movies Now ‘The Avengers’

Hollywood studios today announced that in order to meet audience demand, all future cinema releases are to be part of Marvel’s The Avengers franchise.

 

Each instalment will last four hours and cost approximately $500.25 million, to allow heroes adequate time to save Planet Earth (i.e. upstate New York) from imminent destruction/invasion/alien attack, amongst frequent bouts of self-doubt, robotic one-liners and gadget training. To prioritise prime action-sequence time and save on unnecessary subtitles (/reading), all dialogue will be replaced with explosions.

 

In response to accusations of a dearth of gender equality in popular comic-book adaptations – and repeated appeals to the Bechdel test by fans – all female characters will be played by Scarlett Johansson, to empower a new generation of strong, salad-eating women in latex. Christopher Hemsworth’s rippling abdominals will also feature in intermittent close-ups. They will kiss at the end (Johansson and the abs).

 

The release date for the upcoming Avengers: Infinite Jerkoff is set for December 2018.

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