Published on April 24th, 2017 | by Flipside0
An Edinburgh University Guide of How to Talk to Posh People
Edinburgh University is well known as an institution that caters to students from all walks of life, even those whose parents are only in the second top tax bracket. However, very occasionally you might risk encountering someone who could be described as ‘posh’ – landowning, upper-class, aristocratic and with a multi-barrelled last name and several acres of forehead.
But fear not! In many ways these people are just like you and me – if you cut them they bleed, and if you tickle them, £50 notes fall out of their pockets. In case you ever find yourself in a conversation with one of these folk, Flipside offers some simple strategies to put them at ease.
- Refer to them as ‘mate’
Posh people love this word. They prefer it to the Americanised ‘bud’ or ‘buddy’, and certainly enjoy it more than the Scotch equivalent ‘pal’. If you really want to be like one of them, elongate the ‘a’ to truly show you went to public school:
‘Maaaate, how sick was Opal last Thursday? I was mashed maaaaaate’
‘MAAAAAAAAAAAATE! I KNOW MATE! It was sick, I was guuurning soooo haaaard maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!’
Next thing you know, you’re practically landed gentry
- Have a weird intimacy with horses, to the extent that you look like one
Genetic scientists believe that the ancestors of posh people had an unusually high percentage of horse DNA compared to other humans, to the point that they may actually have been centaurs, explaining their descendants’ creepy love for horses. You don’t have to own a horse per se, but claiming you have access to one on your estate (give it a name like ‘Felix’, ‘Flossy’ or ‘Rufus’ for verisimilitude) will make Edinburgh’s few posh students feel less alone.
Obviously you also fucking hate foxes, and just wish the bastards would hunt themselves.
- Wear chinos to make them feel more comfortable
Admittedly this takes preparation, and anticipation of meeting one of Edinburgh’s few posh students, who can be very shy, but doing so will make them feel utterly welcome and at ease. Some posh students prefer something in a robust beige, perhaps even straying towards a mustard or subtle muffin. However, you can’t go wrong with an obnoxious bright red, just like you and Tarquin donned for the boat race this year, to truly show posh students that you accept them, and welcome their unusual culture.
Alternatively, complete the ‘hundreds-of-pounds I just rolled out of bed’ look with a hoody/trackies, a massive scrunchy (are these still a thing???) and Canada Goose jacket.
- Express your love for grime music
Despite its humble origins, posh people see absolutely no contradiction in absolutely fucking loving grime music, and frequently discussing how connected they feel to it. Don’t just stop at your love for Stormzy – discuss why you think Skepta was a worthy Mercury Prize winner last year, and how you actually saw Lethal Bizzle at the underage festival in Hackney when you were 13.
Immediately, any posh person will try and impress you with how much they know about grime, and how Wiley actually performed at their mate’s 16th and it was mental.
- Enquire about their A Level subjects
NO ONE POSH EVER DID SCOTTISH HIGHERS. EVER.
- Invent a powerful uncle who ‘knows people’
Perhaps he lives in the colonies. He may well have had someone killed, or at least been descended from slave owners. He definitely has a pygmy butler. This can be as vague or specific as you like, because the great thing about Uncle Xavier-Nicodine is that he is banned from the UK, so you’ll never have to worry about introducing him.
- Never refer to your parents (unless it’s about how you’re probably going to eventually take over daddy’s hedge fund)
Posh people do technically have parents, but are less used to ‘mum and dad’ and more used to the Schoolmaster, or ‘Sir’ as they fondly remember him, and ‘Helga the Scandinavian nanny.’ Pretending you also had absolutely no relationship with your biological parents will help your upper class brethren feel less alone (but let’s be clear: due to years of repression and emotional neglect, they all still feel totally alone).
- Say you write for The Student…
…Or have joined the university Conservative society. Same thing really
- Abandon Empathy
Posh people hate empathy, and expressing it around will make them feel deeply uncomfortable and offended. Their friends in London never had empathy, so why would they need it now?
- Study History of Art