Published on April 23rd, 2017 | by Flipside0
An Edinburgh University guide on how to talk to working class people
Like the Sumatran Rhinoceros and the Northern Bald Ibis, the working class person is a rare breed at Edinburgh University. Thankfully, the place seems to be almost cleansed of the raw and beastly riff-raff you often see in less civilised areas of the UK such as Hull and Lancashire.
But despite their unusualness, we here at Flipside appreciate that working class people are sometimes seen flitting around George Square, and having to engage with them can be a truly daunting experience. What do you say? How do you get them to leave you alone? And for the braver amongst us, how do you get to their level and get them to trust you, allowing you to experience life through their lens?
Fear not readers, for here is an ultimate guide on how to endear yourself to the rank and file proletariat of Scotland’s capital.
- Ask them if they watched ‘the game’– There’s nothing the simpleton proles of East Scotland love more than football. Watching two groups of eleven men kick a slowly deflating sack of wind around a loosely marked rectangle of earth has the same kind of aesthetic merit to the uneducated masses as a good E.L. Doctorow novel. But thankfully, unlike postmodern fiction, which by the way, you have to be really fucking clever to understand, you don’t actually need to know anything about football to fit in. It’s such a basic and shallow sport that you can just ask a regular Joe how ‘the game’ went, and they’ll continuously bang on about the off-street rule and Paul Pumba for as long as you continue nodding your head and saying ‘yah.’ Throw in a few key phrases like ‘Leigh Griffiths should be getting a start for Scotland’ and ‘Celtic would get top five in the prem easy’ to really them think you’re one of them. Easy.
- Start complaining about how much your pint of Tennants cost – If there’s one thing the working classes love, it’s moaning about money. If there’s two things they like, it’s moaning about money, and shovelling copious amounts of liquid piss down their throats. Of course, back home in London, your regular G and T at Sebastian’s Wine Bar is around £7, but ungrateful Scots plebs don’t seem to appreciate it when they can get their drinks for a measly fiver. This is a classic of the working class plebeian. Always complaining about how bad a deal they get, whilst not realising us hard workers down south are actually propping them up. Humour them by moaning about the cost of your pint – but DON’T talk about G and Ts, prosecco, or rum sprtitzer, you’ll only confuse them. For extra marks, compare the cost of your pint to what it would have cost five years ago. They almost certainly won’t have studied economics A-level and will have no idea how inflation works.
- Mention how your mum’s cousin’s uncle was a builder – Across the socio-economic spectrum, people like things they can relate to, and there’s no better way to relate to working class people than explaining how essentially, you’re one of them. They will love this, and before you know it they’ll be inviting you for some bevvies. Throw in key phrases like ‘spirit level’ and ‘plastering’ to really highlight your authenticity and know how.
- Go on and on about your bursary – Rule number one about working class people. They are fucking poor. The state somehow thinks they deserve money for being poor. You can make them think you’re like them be mentioning again and again how you don’t have that much money and you get given money because of that. But keep going on about it, to make sure they know. Write a Facebook status about it, tweet about it, share a photo on Instagram of the letter telling you, you have it. DO NOT mention that the bursary arrives via a trust fund set up by your old school’s alumni society. Because how does the money show up in your bank account? Exactly the same.
- Keep dumbing your achievements down – Obviously, having worked hard throughout your education, having got in to a world leading university, and having a dad that works at Goldman Sachs, means your probably pretty successful. You most likely have an internship lined up for the summer and are predicted a 2:1/1st in your degree. Sadly though, working class people hate success. They hate the scent of achievement, the look that financial prosperity radiates. To engage on their level, you have to be a miserable failure, like their parents.