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Science & Tech

Published on September 2nd, 2013 | by Flipside

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Apple announces increase in prices in order to save product image

CUPERTINO — Apple Inc. has decided to increase the price of its product line in a bid to keep “undesirables” from gaining access to the Apple ecosystem.

Apple executives have decided that their traditional business plan of undercutting rival Microsoft products has begun to ruin their image among prospective customers. Worried that too few “bike-riding hipsters with degrees in graphic design” were using their MacBooks, Apple has opted to increase its prices on average of fifty percent.

In a recent interview, a marketing manager at Apple announced that “too many students are now using Apple products, and drastic changes are now necessary to keep Apple Inc afloat”.

“Our products were never intended to be used for work. Their intended purpose was that of a status symbol, or in other words, an unnecessarily expensive device to read your horoscope and Facebook feed on.”

Apple’s iPhones have also been the subject of an intense marketing debate, and design experts from within the company have ensured the public that major changes would be present in the next generation iPhone.

“Our goal at Apple is to make the iPhone as fragile as possible, so that customers are constantly buying new phones to replace their broken ones. “

In response to Apple’s major announcement, Microsoft issued a brief statement saying “at least our products can run Flash.”

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