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Sports

Published on December 14th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Tyson Fury to fight Donald Trump for IDF Asshole Belt

Current heavyweight champion and self-proclaimed ‘Gypsy King’ Tyson Fury has laid down the gauntlet to the Republican presidential candidate and self-proclaimed ‘Massive Twat’ Donald Trump. The two will fight for the title of Heavyweight Asshole of the World, competing for the International Dickhead Federation belt.

The two flagrantly awful people will trade blows for 12 rounds, fighting to offend as many people as they possibly can in 36 minutes, with bonus points for the most creative insults, and successfully slandering any particularly oppressed minority groups.

The two men are currently neck and neck in the rankings, and fighting tooth and nail for top spot. Both are frequently trending on Twitter for their outrageous comments, and have each garnered over 100,000 signatories for petitions against their name in recent weeks. Seriously. More people have tried to get Fury removed from the Sports Personality of the Year shortlist, and Trump banned from entering the UK, than petitioned for the UK not to bomb Syria. Indeed, it was Fury’s recent homophobic and misogynistic ranting that unseated the former IDF Asshole Champion ‘Ham Fists’ (or was it ‘Fists Ham’? Either way he also goes by the name David Cameron).

The fight will be judged by former champions Katie Hopkins, Simon Cowell, and Vladimir Putin, to ensure a good, unclean fight, with nothing below the belt (no subject/group is off-limits, except of course our lord and saviour Jesus Christ). All three have retired from international competition to concentrate on being assholes to their families and local communities.

Before the bout, Fury said: “Look. I don’t even hate Muslims. I quite like Muslims. I have a lot of Muslim friends. But the way Trump goes for them, if I don’t say some seriously fucking Islamophobic stuff in that fight, he’ll have my number. But Tyson Fury always has something up his sleeve. Just wait until you hear what I think about the Jews and Sikhs, and I’ve got a couple of oddly specific killer blows about Chinese women and Peruvian gays that’ll knock your socks off. If you even wear socks”

But Trump, a world-class asshole (world-classhole?), is not a man to easily have his toupé ruffled. He came out all guns blazing for the weigh-in (where old straight white men weigh-in on topics they have no idea about). “I hate women and gays as much as anyone. I mean don’t we all? I can’t even remember the last time I spoke to a woman! If I could, I would build a wall between me and all women. And some of my best friends are gay, but I will betray them at every jibe if need be, cause they don’t have real feelings. And where is that big gay transgender gypsy Muslim woman Tyson Fury even from anyway? Manchester? What is that, like between Syria and Iraqistan? Seriously folks, I will prove my greatness, and America’s greatness, by offending absolutely everyone on Earth in this fight. Ugandan orphans? You betcha. I have been in training for this my whole life. I have been an asshole since I was a child. Tomorrow night I will have earned the right to call myself the biggest asshole on earth. Trump out.”

In a rare moment of humility, Trump did retract one part of his statement. After referring to his opponent as a gypsy, Fury pointed out that that this was in fact true, and Trump retracted the remark, claiming he ‘didn’t want to be associated with any comments that might be potentially construed as factual or inoffensive’.

The winner of this fight will face the reigning asshole champion of the world and holder of the other two heavyweight belts, FIFA president Sepp Blatter, in a unification bout in the spring.

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