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Politics

Published on May 12th, 2017 | by Flipside

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Leaked Labour manifesto pledge promises to renationalise the colonies

In an unsurprising leak of the Labour Party manifesto, Flipside can exclusively reveal that Jeremy Corbyn has pledged that if the Labour Party won the election his government would be committed to the renationalisation of all former colonies.

According to the Manifesto, Labour intends for an implementation of an eastwards policy, with the repatriation of Calais followed by Hamburg, with the hope of reaching the West Indies in time for Christmas. However, due to the Conservative Party’s cuts to the army, this will be achieved through economic colonialism in the shape of purchases of land, with jars of strawberry jam used as the currency.

Speaking at a rally in Darlington, our Flipside reporter attempted to question Corbyn over his pledges only to get preoccupied with tripping up the reporter from The Student, who was holding up a Green Party placard, completely impartially.

An irate Labour MP spoke to Flipside on the condition of anonymity, complaining that his advice to Corbyn had been completely misinterpreted, claiming that “I get that Jeremy’s left-wing and his commitment to renationalisation proves that. However, I told him if he wanted to win he needed to incorporate a bit of Blairism into their manifesto. He went full Blairite. Never go full Blairite”.

In response to this news, SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon complained that Corbyn’s plans did not view Scotland as worthy of recolonisation plans.

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