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Entertainment

Published on February 1st, 2016 | by Flipside

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Autograph collector has mixed feelings about 2016

A nation fell silent last night as yet another of Britain’s legendary entertainers passed through into the ethereal plains, bringing an end to an already sombre January.

Yet while Europe, as well as Australia and Israel, silently mourned into their breakfast cereal/kangaroo sticks, Flipside spoke to Niall ‘Ned’ Neanderthal, a serial autograph collector/celebrity stalker who has been forced to face an existential crisis over his beloved hobby of collecting autographs.

“I don’t quite know how to feel about this. I’ve been building up this collection for the past 31 years of my life and I’m proud of my accomplishments. However, now that the celebrities are dying, their values are going up astronomically. In the last hour, my kit-kat wrapper that David Bowie signed has tripled in value. In a way 2016 has been really profitable, if a bit sad year for me. It all seems so bittersweet now”.

“It’s not just about the money, some of the autographs are now ruined by tears,” Niall claimed. “Nobody wants a soggy Snape poster. His hair looks even greasier now.”

While devoted fans have yet to stop mourning their beloved heroes, EUSA has sparked outrage by posting an advertisement for a new host of the Activities Awards barely hours after Sir Terry’s death.

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