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Entertainment

Published on January 30th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Bedlam director disappears up his own arse

After a week of searching, police have closed their investigation on the disappearance of Bedlam Theatre director Alonso Heywood and confirmed his whereabouts as being inside his own anus.

 Mr Heywood was last seen at a production meeting for his latest play, ‘My Own Incredibly Dark and Emotional Soul’, about two writers who write a play about two writers writing a play about two writers writing a play.

“He was already contorting around between his legs about a week ago,” Mr Heywood’s stage manager told Flipside, “but it was after writing this play about how difficult and emotionally draining being an artist is that he went all the way up his own arse.”

Bedlam Theatre recently held its annual Bedlam Festival (no longer called “Bestival” after a crushing copyright claim) in which over 470 plays were performed, some lasting a minute and some finishing just before July so the cast can prepare themselves to perform the show again at the Edinburgh Fringe. The Bedlam Festival saw the premiere performance of Alonso Heywood’s three-act play ‘Electricity’, in which a light bulb stands on the stage and, in the climactic finale, a bloke walks on and turns it off.

“Its, like, really emotional, yar,” said Mr Heywood’s partner Naömi Norrington-Yeats-Fitzpatrick on his disappearance. “He was, like, really dark, yet, like, really light, like, at the same time.”

This morning, a spokesperson from Bedlam Theatre announced that they would “honour Mr Heywood’s memory” by producing a series of his plays, including ‘My Dreams Make Me Self Harm’, ‘Darkness: Moody’ and ‘A Story About Death’, which caused controversy at last year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival when the cow playing the romantic lead opposite Sir Patrick Stewart gave birth during the second act.

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