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Politics

Published on June 3rd, 2017 | by Flipside

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May on Nuclear Warfare: For the Many, Not the Few

Last night’s Question Time saw pinko fairy Jeremy Corbyn astound demented people everywhere by declaring he wasn’t insane enough to launch a surprise nuclear Armageddon on the entire planet. In a move which could seal victory for the Conservatives, Theresa May has assured the country she has no such qualms as she has never felt a shred of humanity in her entire life.

May said,

‘It’s not enough I should make millions suffer in the UK alone, I want to bring that misery to the world at large. Obviously, I have strived in my efforts to make this possible in the Middle East. Two fantastic examples of this would be my refusal to assist Syrian children and our proud history of weapons sales to the Saudis. However, these are only regional solutions, I want to go global, and launching a first-strike on some unsuspecting nation would be a real achievement. I only hope they have time to retaliate, thereby allowing a further reduction on NHS spending. The more who are obliterated in an instant, the less patients there will be. A and E waiting times can only improve then.’

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn, speaking after the BBC broadcast was overheard to say,

‘Fuck me sideways, to be honest, after hearing some of those people speak, and meeting the population in general, a nuclear Holocaust seems quite attractive. Just give me time to make it to the target area so I can make sure of myself.’

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