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Published on March 1st, 2015 | by Flipside

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‘Big Cheese not hardcore enough’ says EUSA

Responding to the controversial ban on strawpedoing at the Big Cheese, EUSA has stated that students need to stop pussying about and start getting properly mental on a night out.

“Yes, we’re trying to prevent people from rapidly drinking fruity alcopops” said a EUSA spokesperson, “but only because we want to see them knocking back triple shots of bottom shelf gut-rot liquor like they should be doing.”

“We’d be chucking out straws like they were nothing if we thought you’d use them to snort a speedball or two in the lav, but no, you just stick them in your VK’s, don’t you?”

“Ooh, is that blueberry flavour? You fucking child.”

EUSA have outlined further policies including playing death metal in the men’s bathrooms, handing out knuckledusters on the dance floor and free entry for anyone with a facial tattoo.

1st year History student Michael Felixstowe said, “Oh god, now they’re actively encouraging rough types? What an absolute pity.”

“Still, the chaps and I can always afford to take the ‘banter decanter’ over to Opal instead.”

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