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Local

Published on March 15th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Bored electorate produce boring election result

This past Thursday a thoroughly bored Edinburgh University elected Briana Pegado as President of EUSA, in a collective cry for help. Universally declared as boring, the new EUSA-President elect defeated Soviet Commissary Kirsty Haigh, Arkham Asylum inmate Jacob Webber, and Corporate Alcohol backed-Dan Scott Lintott for the top prize.

Most analysts were surprised with the result. James Carville, Democratic Party Strategist said, “It was amazing to all of us that any politician who only speaks at 5 words a minute could attain a victory like this. What we’re starting to notice is a number of factors converging to decrease turnout, meaning students who voted just did so on name recognition. Briana – having run before, had the edge here.”

A consensus of political commentators largely agree, claiming many parts of Briana’s campaign probably lost her votes, such as an obnoxious website in which she quotes herself, and a series of cringey videos where members of Briana’s campaign team talk in platitudes about why they’re voting for her.

Turnout was at an incredibly low 4500, with Briana only receiving about 1300 first preference votes, just over 4% of those eligible to vote. This is all in spite of a protracted campaign by EUSA to increase turnout using ugly orange publicity.

Students that Flipside could find who realised an election had even happened all gave lacklustre responses, either stating they’d not voted, voted for DSL because of £1 shots, or voted for Briana because they’d heard of “Brian Perano”.

Scott Yellowstone, a 3rd Year Economics student, said “I was going to vote DSL, but I wasn’t convinced that at the price level of £1, shots’ Marginal Revenue was more than their Marginal Cost. So I closed my eyes and picked mashed my keyboard.”

Rachel Swans, a 2nd year Mathematics student said “I’m really exciting for EUSA to do nothing again.”

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