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Entertainment

Published on April 24th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Breaking news: Freshers storm and capture Potterrow to defend Big Cheese

In the very early hours of the morning (11ish), a meeting between Hugh Murdoch and a group of Freshers calling themselves the BCDL (Big Cheese Defence League) turned sour, with the Freshers proceeding to seize Potterrow in a fit of riotous anger.

The meeting was arranged by the BCDL to express their outrage that the ‘Big Cheese’ night at Potterrow is not an all-year event and stopped running at the end of last semester. When such news struck the Fresher community at Pollock, Andrew Saddler, hockey player and top Lad, organised and formed the BCDL and began a furious campaign to have the ‘Big Cheese’ made a year-round event.

In their manifesto the BCDL state: “We are campaigning on behalf of students everywhere; of all races, genders, sexual orientation and shoe size. We demand to have our favourite night of the year reinstated with immediate effect. Nowhere else plays such consistently awful music for one whole night!”

The manifesto continues,”To be fair, Cav kinda does, but that Cheese Floor is nothing but our beloved ‘Big Cheese’s’ pale, degenerate, (even more) STI-ridden cousin. How are we meant to make it through the exam period without knowing that afterwards we can celebrate at the Big Cheese? If it is not reinstated, serious action will be taken in protest.”

The news has not been taken well in the Fresher community, with people bursting into tears in pantries throughout Pollock as the news was revealed. Some even threatened to take their own lives, and were only talked off the ledge when we reminded them that the Big Cheese would be back in September at the latest.

It would appear these threats and demands were not idle, as after their meeting with Murdoch failed to reach a conclusion, the Freshers rioted and stormed Potterrow, capturing Murdoch and Haigh in the process. They have taken the two as hostages and have threatened to start removing a body part for every hour that the ‘Big Cheese’ is no longer a EUSA event. If no one meets their demands, the Freshers claim that executions will be the only possible conclusion to their lack of cooperation.

Murdoch has apparently tried to tell the Freshers that he actually has no power to change anything, as he is only President of EUSA….. Clearly the Freshers in their deluded anger have forgotten that this is indeed the case.

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