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Published on May 14th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Conservative Party Split Over Eurovision

David Cameron is facing a new challenge to his premiership today as his party is embroiled in another civil war over the British entry in Eurovision.  The split is believed to have taken place between those wanting a traditional entry and those who favour something more contemporary. The first shots were fired when Boris Johnson, a traditionalist, announced he would be entering with an acapella version of Ode To Joy.

Conservative Teddy Beckwith Forsythe-Smythe has said: “There have always been those in the party uncomfortable with Eurovision. The traditionalists hate anything perceived as ‘camp’ and so have tried to hijack this year’s entry by campaigning under the slogan ‘stir the blood, not the loins’. Unfortunately they picked something German. Have you ever looked at a German jukebox? They’re probably the campest nation in the world. I mean they call a mobile phone ‘meine handy!’ It’s all going to be very embarrassing for them. It’s like when they backed Waterloo, ’cause they thought it was just a song about sticking it to the French, but then they discovered it was by the Swedish, who are also very camp.”

Despite the splits in his party, Cameron is hopeful that his techno version of Rolf Harris’ Two Little Boys will sway the European masses and will pull the traditionalists back on his  side, having been Margaret Thatcher’s favourite song. Forysthe-Smyth said, ‘There’s no way that choice can backfire on us. It’s bulletproof.’

When asked to comment on the Conservative Party’s divisions on Europe, Jeremy Corbyn insisted on talking about the life span of the Japanese zebra-ant, having just seen a David Attenborough documentary on it the night before.

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