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Published on February 7th, 2014 | by Flipside

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Bristo Square is new Tiananmen Square

BREAKING NEWS: Teaching strikes yesterday at the University of Edinburgh saw over 500,000 protesters gather outside David Hume Tower for industrial action in reaction to falling real wages faced by University staff. This is not the first time the University has experienced such uprisings. Last week the Red Army had to be called in to suppress a similar strike, with over 25,000 students estimated to have been killed in the violence at Bristo Square.

Such intervention represents the importance of the University’s special relationship with Russia, stretching back to 1935, when Communist revolutionary Leon Trotsky was elected as Rector. Comparisons have been drawn to the violence following 1989’s student led protests at Tiananmen Square.

Cuthbert H. Cronk, a third year Musicology student, commented, “I only pay £9,000 a year to study here, it is not surprising that lecturers are paid badly.” At its height the picket line during yesterday’s strike stretched over 3 ½ miles, a University record. Hugh Murdoch, president of Edinburgh University Student Association, was rumoured to have been seen in the front lines of the protest in the early hours, although many believe he was actually killed in last week’s massacre.

Sir Timothy O’Shea, Principal and Vice-Chancellor of the University, said, “I can see smoke from my window.” Asked what he thought about the mass popularity of the strikes, he glanced at his retinue of armed bodyguards and militia, who promptly ejected Flipside from the premises.

United Nations (UN) Secretary General Ban Ki-moon also became involved with the conflict, saying, “We must avoid another Syria at all costs. The University is on the brink of civil war and this must be prevented. The growth of militant factions such as the Vegetarian Society is a worrying development in the escalation of a sectarian crisis.” A UN peacekeeping mission has been sent to McEwan Hall to help resolve the factional struggles and humanitarian crisis dominating the University, and to remove the scaffolding while they’re at it.

Alex Salmond was fighting the English at Pinkie Cleugh, and was thus unavailable for comment.

 

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