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Published on December 22nd, 2016 | by Flipside

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Britain All Set for Annual Ignoring of Death Season

 

The Christmas trees are up, sale prices are down and the smell of cinnamon is in the air as households up and down Britain prepare for the death chill of winter.

 

Responding to questions as to the mental state of Britain’s men and women, representatives stated that the nation is “unsuitably but certainly not unsurprisingly chipper” given the fact that every other animal in Britain is now either in a coma, straight up dead or a bird. In polls collected by YouGov, nearly 78% of respondents “strongly agreed” that the festive season is a good thing; and only 4% felt “significant distress” about the fact the weak and vulnerable will almost certainly be devoured by the ever-hungering, frost-rimed maw of the devil’s season.

 

NHS Lothian painted a similar picture, stating that “Christmas Magic” really lent a hopeful sheen to the massive increase in cases of flu, hypothermia and chronic pneumonia faced by Scottish hospitals year in and year out. “And that’s just the physical stuff.” said Margaret Patton, a nurse in the Royal Infirmary, “Winter literally attacks human beings on every level possible. Mental, emotional, physical – it’s all fair game when the earth is dead and all is ice and desolation.”

 

In interviews with Flipside, psychiatric expert Raymond Tally told us “All of this is really no surprise. A steady drip feed of wholesome imagery throughout the year, and the general fetishization of Christmas are all fantastic distractions from the fact that a lot of people are definitely going to die this winter, particularly the elderly.”

 

“We think modern civilization exempts us from the natural cycle of renewal and decay,” Dr Tally stated, even after we asked him to leave, “but really we’ve just used a slick sheen of electrical screens and bright paint to distract ourselves from the fact that we are, indeed, still Mother Nature’s little bottom bitches whom she is almost certainly going to murder. It’s just a fact.”

 

Merry Christmas, from all of us here at Flipside.

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