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Published on November 14th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Britain Responds to Paris Attacks; Holds National Minute’s Not-Complaining

We here at Edinburgh Flipside aren’t often serious. However in light of the recent events in Paris, we must pause for a moment. Flipside can only extend our thoughts and and condolences for any and all affected. With that in mind, let us back to doing what we do: taking the piss out of idiots who have no right to do what they do.

 

In light of the attacks in Paris last night, David Cameron called a press conference to hold Britain’s first national non-complaining session.

“We in Britain will do whatever we can to assist the French government in this particular crisis. For now, what we as a nation can do is unify in a state of not-complaining.

“Seriously, why should we be complaining right now? We are not the victims of an extremist attack or a tsunami or a fire throughout our homes. Oh but sure, you guys were all tweeting about how devastating it was that Starbucks changed the Christmas cups. Woop de fucking doo.”

The press conference ended with a minute’s non-complaining, with journalists, ministers and bystanders talking to each other about how nice their days were going and how great it was to live in Britain at that moment, comparatively speaking.

Reports are coming in that Defence Secretary Michael Fallon broke the minute’s non-complaining to tweet that Jeremy Corbyn didn’t shake his hand firmly enough for his liking, but this tweet was swiftly deleted.

Staff inside Downing Steet say that prior to the press conference, Cameron had prepared for a successful minute’s non-complaining by gaffe taping Boris Johnson’s mouth shut, tying him to a recliner sofa, and turning the telly onto the latest Mary Beard documentary.

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