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News

Published on June 14th, 2017 | by Flipside

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EUSA chaos as Sabbs sit on top of each other

In news to lighten everyone’s mood, an insider at EUSA has revealed that the Students’ Associations’ offices are suffering from a chair and desk shortage and that as a result Sabbs are being forced to sit on top of each other in order to do any work.

Currently, Vice President of Community Ollie Glick has been forced to sit on President Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff’s lap for the foreseeable future until the next student council in September, where they can release funds for desk purchases.

President Kilduff released a statement saying “Although I ran a policy of imposing austerity on EUSA, I completely forgot that we had more Sabbs than last year and accidentally extended the policy to our furniture budget. So when we turned up on Monday morning, we realised that some of us would have to share. While me and Ollie were arguing over the merits of free-trade capitalism, Bobi, Esther and Kai nicked the chairs and we got left with one to share”.

According to an anonymous staff member, “Four desks is actually more than last year. The previous President was able to maintain his workspace in an otherworldly plain of existence that didn’t take up any space whatsoever. Aside from the temporal wormhole that took the place of his desk, we really didn’t have anything to worry about anything. Now he’s expecting us to look after a transcendental singularity which is a bit taking the mickey”.

Speaking to Flipside, Vice President Glick said “While initially I was uncomfortable about the arrangement, I’m a grown man having to share a seat, I didn’t realise I would be sharing with Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff, whose arms wrap around me like an overly emotional teddy bear. However, in a professional working environment it’s actually very comforting and Patrick is very strong and stable”.

Our Flipside reporter tried making a joke about Patrick and Ollie’s welfare to Vice President of Welfare Esther Dominy. She responded by throwing a mug at our reporter’s head.

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