Published on May 7th, 2016 | by Flipside0
Cain Accused of Abelism Over Murder of Younger Brother
Today, after millennia of inaction, Biblical figure Cain was finally convicted of murdering his younger brother Abel, in what has been described as an obvious case of Abelism.
Sam Perkins, leading the investigation, said: ‘It’s quite clear that Cain harboured ill feeling towards people with the name Abel. It’s Abelism in its most brutal and unadulterated form, and it has gone unpunished for far too long. We are in 2016, and Abelism is totally unacceptable, even if he would have got away with it in 4000 B.C.’
Legal experts have claimed that Cain’s original punishment of being ‘cast out by God’ does not represent an adequate sentence for murder, and expect he will be sentenced to 20 years minimum.
Cain’s parents, Adam and Eve, were in dismay at the verdict. ‘I know I’m responsible for original sin, so in a way this whole thing’s my fault, but murder!? I can’t believe I raised a murderer, and worse…an Abelist murderer’ announced Eve, the original sinner and Cain’s heartbroken mum.
‘Looking at the world now, I honestly think Eve and I never really should have got together,’ announced Adam. ‘It could have been me, God and the Garden of Eden. It would have been the tits.’