SK8R LIFE INSURANCE (SK8) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ASSOCIATION (EUSA) ▼-2005.21
ALEX SALMOND’S HAIR ▼ 230.067
CONSERVATIVE & UNIONIST NATIONAL TWEED CO (CUNT) ▲69.99
LADS, INC (LAD)▲1783.44
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION ZOCIALIST, INC (NAZI)▼2.48
BEDLAM THEATRE GROUP (BT) ▲ 5.74
EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY CREDIBILITY (UC) ▼ 1.000567
PETER HIGG’S SWAG ($G) ▲∞
BOTECO (BOT) ▲ 456.34
AVERAGE AGE IN TEVIOT (OLD) ▲ 67.45
PANDA CHILDCARE UK PLC (PCU) ✖ STOCK SUSPENDED
MILEY CYRUS EDINBURGH FAN CLUB (TWERK)▲ 42.67
DIRECTION OF NOSES UPON MENTION OF EDINBURGH NAPIER (NOZ) ▲ 90.00
EXAM PERFORMANCE IN MCEWAN HALL (STARE) ▼ 11.000567
TEVIOT CHIPS (SHIT)▼ 56.23

News

Published on May 7th, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Cain Accused of Abelism Over Murder of Younger Brother

Today, after millennia of inaction, Biblical figure Cain was finally convicted of murdering his younger brother Abel, in what has been described as an obvious case of Abelism.

Sam Perkins, leading the investigation, said: ‘It’s quite clear that Cain harboured ill feeling towards people with the name Abel. It’s Abelism in its most brutal and unadulterated form, and it has gone unpunished for far too long. We are in 2016, and Abelism is totally unacceptable, even if he would have got away with it in 4000 B.C.’

Legal experts have claimed that Cain’s original punishment of being ‘cast out by God’ does not represent an adequate sentence for murder, and expect he will be sentenced to 20 years minimum.

Cain’s parents, Adam and Eve, were in dismay at the verdict. ‘I know I’m responsible for original sin, so in a way this whole thing’s my fault, but murder!? I can’t believe I raised a murderer, and worse…an Abelist murderer’ announced Eve, the original sinner and Cain’s heartbroken mum.

‘Looking at the world now, I honestly think Eve and I never really should have got together,’ announced Adam. ‘It could have been me, God and the Garden of Eden. It would have been the tits.’

 

 

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on RedditEmail this to someone

Tags: , , , ,


About the Author



Comments are closed.

Back to Top ↑