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Published on September 15th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Cameron apologises for confusing Jeremy Corbyn with Freddy Kreuger

Prime Minister David Cameron has taken to social media to apologise for his previous statements, claiming that he had mistaken the new Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn for renowned supernatural serial killer Freddy Krueger.

“I regret that I was far too hasty in my statement,” stated a resigned Cameron. “What I meant to say is that Freddy Krueger is now a threat to our national security, our financial security and your family’s security. I mean, think about it: he can kill you in your dreams. Like, that’s a pretty big deal.”

“Jeremy Corbyn is a raggedy bloke with lots of talk about social justice without the affirmative action, whereas Freddy Krueger has knives for fingers and can control your nightmares. Even our backbenchers can see which one is the genuinely urgent issue.”

Senior Tory MP David D. Davis ‘T’other Dave’ Davison has expanded upon the Prime Minister’s amendment in a press conference today.

“The Conservative government has fought verbal battles with the Labour Party and military campaigns in France, Germany, the Falkland Islands, and more recently in Iraq. However, never before have we had to deal with a haunting spectral embodiment of the guilt of previous generations’ sin, which would suck us up into our beds, then spit us back out in a vertical splurge of blood that’s all like ‘pssssssssssss-dum-da-dum-da-pssssssssss.’”

However,  Mr Cameron has remained determined to resist Corbyn’s protests against new policies, particularly on increasing the amount of refugees which Britain would take from Syria. Conservative MPs have sited a host of reasons for this including economic uncertainty, a shortage of housing, and the potential for some refugees to be carrying unborn children which could be used for Krueger’s resurrection.

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