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Politics

Published on October 7th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Cameron promises to lead “Smuggest Government Ever”

In his keynote speech, Prime Minister David Cameron has promised the Tory party conference in Manchester that his government will be the smuggest and most pompously self-righteous government Britain has ever seen.  “We intend to make Donald Trump look humble by comparison,” he told reporters as he arrived at the conference centre.

During his conference speech, Mr Cameron acknowledged that some of his most senior advisers had counselled against excessive self-congratulation.  “Fortunately they’re not in charge, I am!” he declared.  “So let me give you our first new policy: money saved from the benefits bill will be spent on carving giant effigies of Margaret Thatcher, George Osborne, Boris Johnson and myself into the white cliffs of Dover.  It’s not just about vainglorious egotism – though of course it’s mainly that – it’s also guaranteed to deter asylum seekers from coming over!”

“Basically, we can do whatever we want from now on, and that’s good news for all you rich folk.   Although, I don’t want us to completely forget those less fortunate than us.  So next time you’re feeling down, because your cleaner’s missed a spot, or you can’t get your favourite dish at the local Michelin-starred restaurant, please take a moment and spare a thought for …. The Liberal Democrats!”

When the conference audience had recovered from paroxysms of laugher, Mr Cameron had a strong message for the Labour party, still reeling from a controversial leadership election:

“Nyehhhh – nen – nen – nyehhh – nyehhhhhhhhhh!!!  We’re the government and you’re fuck all, with a scarecrow in charge.  Looooo-sers!   And ladies and gentlemen, let’s have a round of applause for a crazy electoral system that gives us complete control of the country with only 38% of the votes!  How good is that?  As opposed to say, getting four million votes and only one MP.  In your FACE, Nigel Farage!  And also – The Liberal Democrats!”

Mr Cameron then had to wait five minutes to continue, because the audience were laughing so much.  It was later discovered that two elderly gentlemen at the back had died at around this point, having apparently forgotten to breathe.

The Prime Minister then acknowledged that while his party had already achieved unprecedented heights of conceit and smugness, there was still far more to achieve.  Therefore, he announced, he had hired five new image consultants to improve the overall smugness of his party:  Piers Morgan, Simon Cowell, Tony Blair, Sylvio Berlusconi and Alex Salmond.

“No more focus groups, no more negotiations,” sad Cameron.  “Basically we’re right about everything, we’re the bees knees and we damned well know it.    From next week, we’ll be placing books of congratulation in town halls and constituency offices around the country so you can tell us all how great we are.  Because I know you want to!   Three cheers for us!   And a great big ‘boo’ for everyone else, especially – come on say it with me – The Liberal Democrats!!”

After the speech, most pundits agreed it was the best ever speech by any Briton anywhere, but one wasn’t convinced.  “We’ve heard all this before,” she said.  “They make all these promises, but in a few years it’ll be ‘cut the smug crap’, and before you know it they’ll be asking why we don’t love them any more.

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