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Local

Published on January 21st, 2016 | by Flipside

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Canada Goose Jacket Goes Missing; Edinburgh New Town on Lockdown

Earlier today, a beige Canada Goose jacket went missing from New College, sparking panic and frenzy in the high-ceilinged, spacious student flats of Edinburgh’s historic New Town. The jackets famously cost £30,000 each, as they are filled with unicorn feathers, are  said to have healing properties and were originally designed for people trying to penetrate the outer reaches of our galaxy.

We spoke to some local people on the scene. To protect the identity of these residents, we have replaced their ridiculously posh-sounding names with slightly less ridiculously posh-sounding names:

James Bygrove Entwistle-Plantation: “Ohmygod mate, I literally couldn’t believe it when I heard, it’s like – it’s nuts, y’know? Like who would do that mate? It’s a Canada Goose you know, not just like a Barbour or some shit!”

Poppy Humdrum-Rich-Simpleton: “Seriously though, can you believe someone spent £30,000 on a beige jacket? It is like, so ugly….

Aloysius Cushyjobinthearmy-Mummyissues: “Mate I’ve just started this new dubstep night at the Belle Angelle, you should definitely come down mate it’s gonna be siiiiiick and then…”

Flipside punched Aloysius in the face and ran off giggling

And finally, we caught up with Kitty Lubricant-Twoddle-Nestle-Alhambra-Swissbankaccount, the girl who lost the jacket: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about, daddy will obviously get me a new one, HAHAHAHA I’M SO RICH!”

The New Town quarantine was lifted shortly after coming into action, as Kitty realised she’d actually been wearing the coat all along.

Lol, that’s just classic Kitty.

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