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Science & Tech

Published on September 26th, 2013 | by Flipside

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CERN finds revolutionary bit of stuff

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Scientists at CERN’S Large Hadron Collider have today announced a discovery that may quite possibly transform the foundations of scientific knowledge. A team led by Rolf-Dieter Heuer, an eminent specialist on particle decay, have discovered a little ball of stuff that “acts exactly like it should, but not really”.

The Large Hadron Collider, the highest energy particle collider in history, cost 6.2 billion GBP to build, or three times the annual budget of UNICEF. The project employs some of the brightest scientists in the world. Working round the clock, they are seeking to unravel the mysteries of our universe, and with this new discovery the future looks bright for CERN, and indeed humankind.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Dr Heur said, “We made some stuff go really-super-fast into other, different, stuff. There was a lot of buzzing and whooshing and, oh jeez, it was great, you should’ve been there. The LHC helped us look at tiny stuff so we can see the big stuff better. If we keep finding stuff at this rate, we may be able to make finally achieve Fully Unified Field Theory or irrefutably prove the Supersymmetry of the Universe in space-time as we understand it, that is to say, non relativistically.  Then, hopefully, we might make smartness extension to general relativistic cases and achieve time travel or teleportation. Or maybe it’s just a bit of stuff. I don’t know.”

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