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Published on July 6th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Chilcot Report Unveiled To Enthusiastic Crowd At Book Signing

This afternoon, after a long seven year wait, the Chilcot Report is expected to be unveiled to enthusiastic crowds at Waterstones’ Piccadilly store. Throughout the night queues have been forming, with many attendees in fancy dress as wounded soldiers and politicians with shit-eating grins.

The report’s author, Sir John Chilcot, said, ‘Like many of us I am anxious to have the results unveiled. I remember back in 2003 when the war was still in full swing I thought to myself, “Golly! This would make a cracking idea for a multi-volume public inquiry, spanning a number of years interviewing hundreds of witnesses at a cost of several million pounds with no foreseeable end in sight.”

‘I got to meet soooooo many people, my autograph book is bulging at the seams. I met two, count them! One-two! Prime Ministers, lots of generals, with their shiny medals and Alastair Campbell.  I’d seen him on the telly, on Jamie’s Dream School!’

‘Obviously I have some big shoes to fill, for example the Leveson Inquiry did very well and I really enjoyed it too. But where I see that as being picked up by a Mike Leigh, Jimmy McGovern or Ken Loach-type, y’know thinking man’s drama? I’m hoping the likes of Michael Bay will purchase the rights for this! Think of all the explosions! And I think Megan Fox would be perfect to play Sir Roderic Lyne.’

Despite not being published yet, the Chilcot Report has garnished a large fanbase prior to its release, who are eager to read what might be the largest book ever written.

‘I’m just totally zonking excited!’ screamed John, an excited fan dressed as a patriotic American ranch owner. ‘I did some calculations and found that if you laid out 200 copies of the Chilcot Report  end to end not including the index, you should really get out more.’

Meanwhile representatives from the door stop industry are stating that the Chilcot Report might put an end to their business for the foreseeable future.

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