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Commentary

Published on April 23rd, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Chris Brown Tragically Found Alive

 

Famous singer and violent misogynist Chris Brown was sadly found alive and well at his house in LA. Police arrived at the house hoping he had befallen some kind of bloody, horrific accident and died in the most painful way imaginable, but he was unfortunately just sitting in the living room, being alive. The coroner’s report expressed minor confusion and a great degree of disappointment.

The world has gone into mourning over Chris Brown’s continued existence, with several news sources describing his survival as a ‘tragedy’ and ‘something humankind will have to suffer through together.’ Legions of devoted music fans held a vigil outside his house, lighting candles and playing the music of Prince, Earth, Wind and Fire and David Bowie, mourning Brown’s stubborn refusal to die.

Chris Brown is famous for beating his then girlfriend Rihanna for making better music than him, but this does not explain why he hasn’t also tried to beat up every single other musician, living or dead. He sensitively and without a trace of irony addressed this violence in the 2012 song ‘Don’t Judge Me.’

We will all remember where we were when we found out the devastating news: Chris Brown is still alive.

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