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Science & Tech

Published on September 28th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Climate Change report states blindingly obvious

BREAKING NEWS: UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Report released

Today was apparently a big day in the fight against climate change when a report confirmed its existence and that it was “extremely likely” to be related to man. The report, which has taken over 3 years and 250 scientists, is the most recent in a long line of reports stating exactly the same thing.

ExxonMobil were the first to comment on the report stating, “Well, they’re only 95% certain, which isn’t very certain at all is it? I mean, we’re 95% certain that Pete has been stealing sandwiches from the company fridge, but we’re not all in your face about it.”

Al Gore was unavailable for a statement as he had, “Become so happy that people were finally buying his DVD again that he had attempted to do a summersault but accidentally rammed his head up his own arse.”

In other climate news, oceans could rise, it was stated by fisherman John, now a leading expert like all news reporters. Again doubt was cast by Shell who said, “Oceans rise and fall every day, it’s called the tide.”

The UN called for governments to act on this latest information. Many replied saying that they would “think about it after the next election.” Or at least that’s what we think they said, it was a bit hard to hear as they were choking, some even gagging, on the huge piles of cash the oil companies pour into funding their parties.

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