Published on January 6th, 2016 | by Flipside0
Come Dine With Me Contestant Commits Genocide
Last night, in what has been described as the most significant and devastating event of 2016 so far, contestant Paul on Come Dine With Me committed ‘massive genocide’ after coming last, and seeing rival Jane take home the life-changing £1000 reward.
Without saying a word after announcing the result himself, Paul stormed out of his own home and down the road and burst into the local Burger King, brandishing a Japanese-made porcelain kitchen knife that was extremely expensive and stylish.
He screamed ‘This for Michel Roux, Heston Blumenthal, Marco Pierre White and the vanguard of haute cuisine! This is for our Lord and Saviour, Saint Yotam Ottolenghi. I was a charming and delightful host this evening, with extremely interesting views, and I made a life-changing tagine for those plebeian dickheads. Then that callous bitch ‘Jane’ has the audacity to win by democracy…in my home. And suddenly I’m the bad guy’
Paul pontificated on like this for another 22 minutes, boring a room full of late-night fast food lovers to death, without ever having to use his expensive and tasteful knife.