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Politics

Published on January 21st, 2016 | by Flipside

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Conservatives move to keep ‘riffraff’ away from universities

The Conservative Government on have stepped up their efforts to bar anyone without a trust fund from attending university by scrapping maintenance grants for low-income students. It is believed the next step in Conservative policy will see the introduction of the compulsory wearing of a red chino, striped shirt and blazer ensemble, in an effort to make any individual with the slightest hint of taste too embarrassed to attend university. The final step expected will be the mandatory membership of a polo club before applications can begin through UCAS.

Speaking on behalf of the Edinburgh University Conservative and Unionist Association Teddy Beckwith Forsyth Smyth said, ‘Do you know I had to sit next to a chap with a regional accent last semester? Not only that but he didn’t even avert his gaze any time I looked at him, the peon didn’t know the meaning of the word respect! I mean you can hardly call this a prestigious university if they let people in who aren’t weirdly related to you! University should be for people who enjoy burning fivers in front of the homeless, have an inexplicable lack of understanding of the real world and who look like they got dressed in the dark’.

Meanwhile, NUS President Megan Dunn responded, ‘It’s on bitches.’
 

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