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Local

Published on March 31st, 2014 | by Flipside

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Copenhagen Zoo cull leads to student fears over Library Cat

Following a homicidal rampage around Copenhagen Zoo, security around Library Cat, Edinburgh’s most infamous feline, has been doubled, as part of EUSA’s latest budgetary reform. Copenhagen’s zookeeper Mikäel Vick has been heavily criticised for his rash treatment of Marius the Giraffe and a pride of lions, with the former being publicly dissected and fed to the other captive animals.

In a EUSA lockdown, Mr Liberius Cat esq. has been placed in a protection programme following rumours that he was next on Vick’s hit list. This public appearance hiatus has scuppered Library Cat’s BNOC election campaign, as library staff have been militarised to deal with any students seeking to expose the BNOC from hiding. Sources close to the cat have suggested he is easily seduced by leftovers of the Library Cafe’s rocket, basil and mozzarella baguette; a full embargo has now been implemented on this popular sandwich, consequently reducing the BNOC favourite’s poll rating to 99.9%. Library Cat has not seen such a sharp decline in votes since 21st November 2013, when its motion for EUSA to declare itself as a ‘chauvinist pig’ was met by fierce protest.

Personal staff have exclusively revealed to Flipside that Library Cat has
“said little on the matter, which we believe is mostly down to his difficulty in coping with this troubling time…also he is a cat, and cats can’t speak”. New EUSA President Briana Pegado has reached out to her fellow political icon, by increasing EUSA defence spending by 40% to accommodate the cat’s needs, in a bold attempt to let people know she is actually a human being.

Flipside has also learned that Mr Vick has recently gone into hiding following hostile threats from partisan Danish animal lovers, supposedly floating somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Local authorities have requested the Malaysian Government and PC Peter-Andre Marriner aid them in their search for the fugitive, with Kieran Gibbs and Samuel L Jackson having already been taken into questioning as Vick’s suspected accomplices.

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