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Local

Published on July 9th, 2013 | by Flipside

Pollock population relieved to find JMCC food not local

JOHN MCINTYRE CONFERENCE CENTRE – Student body pleased to find that ‘locally sourced’ JMCC food is from actually from abroad.

Students at Edinburgh University produced a collective sigh of relief on Monday when the food in the John McIntyre Conference Centre, which claimed to be locally sourced, was revealed to have been mislabelled and mis-sold by JMCC staff.

The haggis and black pudding in the JMCC, which is claimed to be from idyllic, remote areas
of Scotland, is actually 100% soy from the People’s Republic of China. This was reported
by ‘Fake Britain,’ the inane BBC television programme which investigates counterfeit food, gravel, and oxygen in a self-righteous consumer rights crusade. However, when interviewed for the television program, most students did not project the middle class outrage that the television producers were looking for.

“Personally I’m quite glad. I grew up amongst farmers, and I don’t trust any of them. I’d rather eat this well-produced synthetic stuff. I bet it’s healthier as well,” said Jamie Ferrers from Lancashire, who was eating a box of fake Mini-Milks made from 100% rice milk.

Some students have even more intimate reasons to be happy about the revelations. Sonya MacKay from the Isle of Lewis revealed “I’m glad it all comes from China. I live down the road from a Black pudding works in Stornoway and it was an absolute shit-hole. The workers were almost always drunk, and health and safety officers are a joke, they’re run by the guy who owns all the Black pudding firms.”

Black pudding and haggis were not the only instances of fake labelling at the JMCC. The fair trade coffee and chocolate is actually produced by a series of farmers labelled ‘too immoral for Nestle in the 90s’ while, the Coca-Cola is relabelled Tesco own-brand ‘rola cola’. Finally, and most bizarrely, the ‘locally’ produced pork, which claims to be from near Inverness, is actually from Carlisle, which is 50 miles closer.

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