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Entertainment

Published on January 11th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Goblins Mourn Loss of King Jareth

The Goblin community was in turmoil today, after the sudden and tragic departure of their noble 1415 year old leader, King Jareth.

Jareth was always a famously colourful character, often transforming himself into a Snowy Owl so he could spy on the local children incognito. He would then frequently lure or kidnap these children to his Labyrinth, before psychologically abusing them in myriad bizarre ways, with the help of various other grotesque, magical and vaguely sinister subjects. He was a much-loved member of his community who will be mourned for generations to come. He and his enormous codpiece will be sorely missed.

The weird kidnapping-cum-Lolita angle of Jareth’s reign should not, however detract from his contribution to the world of music. From the year 650 A.D, when he produced his first album Wagon to Wagon, he only continued to excel for centuries to come. His autobiographical album Scary Monsters was a huge hit in the 17th century, coinciding with the Salem Witch Trials, while psychological concept album Jung Americans was huge in the intellectual Vienna circle at the turn of the 20th century.

We assume David Bowie is just funky cosmic stardust now, because surely the man can’t actually die, right? Tonight, we here at Flipside Towers will celebrate his former human incarnation, by indulging in a bacchanalian feast of milk, red peppers and cocaine in his honour – please feel free to join us.

Video of ‘Starman’ from 1972

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