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Local

Published on September 29th, 2013 | by Flipside

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Domino’s almost bankrupt after free pizza freshers’ scheme

After an audacious investment in all the free pizza Edinburgh students could possibly eat and one hundred flyerers, Edinburgh Domino’s freshers’ week losses have been so immeasurable that they have been too embarrassed to release statistics. This dreadful ploy to attract student attention and send a strong message to rivals Pizza Hut failed to heat-up business as the dough-based company expected.

James Roberts, manager of the Nicolson Street branch stated, “It has been a disaster! We had no idea…the students they, they, just kept eating. IT WAS HORRIBLE. Nothing we could do would stop them and we had no legal right to reject their tokens.”

A writer for The Economist, Ino Moorthanu, was quick to note that it was actually hard to see how Domino’s did not think this would happen, adding that it was “nothing short of the most retarded and counterproductive business plan ever”.

Some may see the irony in a food company being literally eaten out of business, though the irony was not lost on Roberts. “Yes it is ironic. The flyerers? They were the biggest waste of money; they all just stood there like mindless drones. Granted they were more animated when they got into a scuffle with the Pizza Hut guys, but hey-ho that is business; I don’t think it got too out of hand.” Roberts refused to comment on the questionably motivated murder of a Pizza Hut employee.

Flipside spoke to the real victors in Domino’s tragic fall from tomato and cheesy grace: Pizza Hut. “LOL,” was the response.

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