Published on December 11th, 2015 | by Flipside0
Donald Trump invades Poland
Warsaw to become giant clubhouse for “World’s Biggest Golf Course”
Europe has been thrown into chaos after Donald Trump announced a “defensive war,” and marched into Poland, at the head of an army of white trash Americans, Fox News journalists, gold-plated limousines and failed Apprentice candidates. Journalists, police and army commanders were offered massive bribes to side with the invaders. Within 24 hours, the country had surrendered.
Justifying the move, Trump explained that rich golfers in Poland were becoming increasing nervous that Syrian refugee camps might spring up on their course fairways and greens, interfering with their play. “Muslims abhor golf,” said Trump. “It fell to me to defend our way of life. Well, Muslims, Poland is now off limits. I’m turning it into the world’s biggest golf course, and only people who can shoot a round of 99 or under will be allowed in. We will create a nation of Master Golfers.”
Since the surrender, news reports from the occupied country, now renamed Trumplinks International, have been sketchy. Its TV channels are now showing nothing but Trump speeches and Celebrity Apprentice USA re-runs, while internet access in now charged at $1000 per minute. Stories that have emerged include:
- The rapid conversion of cities and towns into giant clubhouses.
- Kilometre-long rolls of short-cut turf rolling out over farmland.
- Creation of giant bunkers with carefully aimed bombs and dropping of sand.
- Diktats that all citizens shall henceforth wear flat caps and checked trousers.
- Conversion of wind farms into giant golf flags
- Reports of forced hairdressing camps. “I saw them drag away a whole family,” said one shocked woman. “Next time I saw them, they all had ridiculous orange comb-overs.”
Trump meanwhile assured US voters that his installation as Trumplinks International’s ‘Club President and Supreme Dictator for Life’ would not in any way affect his ability to become US Commander-in-Chief. “When I’m elected, all US citizens will get a free pass to Trumplinks,” he boasted. “Except the Muslims, lefties, immigrants, gays and women of course.”
In Britain, chancellor George Osborne had been leading calls to appease Donald Trump. When told of the invasion, he said “I have in my hand a piece of paper. Can we perhaps talk about this once I’ve finished on the loo?”
Prime Minister David Cameron described the invasion as “a pretty poor show,” ensuring fearful citizens that he’d be “sending Mr Trump a strongly worded letter, explaining that I’m really quite cross.”
Jeremy Corbyn concurred. “Russia would never do something like this,” he said.