Published on November 1st, 2013 | by Flipside0
Donald Trump to become a Dalek
Breaking news: Comedy haired billionnaire to swap flesh for metal in quest for world domination.
Business leaders have reacted with shock to the news that US Tycoon Donald Trump is planning to have himself converted into a Dalek. Mr Trump reportedly demanded the operation after seeing a clip of Doctor Who on TV while in Scotland. “He said, ‘Those metal things everyone’s scared of. Get me some of that!’”, said an aide. “He wouldn’t listen when we told him they were fiction, he just shouted at us to get it done.”
The operation, which will cost 500 million dollars, will be conducted by team of top surgeons and robotics engineers. Following the operation, Mr Trump has devised a new set of priorities for himself and his organisation:
- Exterminating rival businessmen
- Conversion of Scotland into a giant golf course
- Exterminating environmentalists
- Conquest or destruction of all inferior businesses until Trumpco becomes the supreme business empire in the Universe
- Exterminating Alex Salmond unless he stops building windfarms
- Continued bleating about President Obama’s birth certificate
- Exterminating all enemies of the Trump Empire
- Exterminating everyone else
Mr Trump also announced a new security policy for all Trump premises, including instructions to shoot on sight anyone wearing a fez, bow tie or abnormally long woollen scarf.
A TV producer confirmed that the US version of The Apprentice would return next year, but with a few format changes. “The losing contestant will now hear the phrase ‘You Will Be Exterminated’, instead of ‘You’re Fired’, and the tasks will focus on the subjugation of inferior beings, rather than the making of money,” said a producer. “And there’ll be no interviews with rejected candidates, afterwards,” he added, darkly. Presumably the show will also be produced in a building that doesn’t have any stairs.
Trump’s transformation has reportedly inspired UK businessman Alan Sugar to convert himself into a Cyberman. However, Sugar used Amstrad electronics for the process and was last seen crumpled in a corner trying to reattach his leg.