Published on December 5th, 2015 | by Flipside0
Donald Trump unveils shock plan to stop global warming
Giant floating “toupee” will refreeze arctic, claims Republican frontrunner
The Paris COP21 conference tasked with finding a treaty to slow global warming received an unexpected boost yesterday, when business tycoon turned presidential candidate Donald Trump flew in, claiming to have a ready-made solution to the climate change problem.
“All you monkeys can go home. I’ve got this. I have the solution. I am the solution,” said Trump, as he marched into the main conference room.
Delegates reacted with shock and awe as Trump unveiled his plan. He would build a series of gigantic fibreglass poles full of hydrogen, and create a floating mass of these over the arctic, blotting out sunlight and refreezing the icecaps.
Titled “Total Refreezing Under Multiple Poles, With Orange-Red Light Dispersal“, or TRUMP-WORLD for short, the scheme would change the appearance of our planet forever, explained the mogul. “What is more, it’ll change the name of our planet as well, because I will be its creator, and you’ll all live on TRUMP-WORLD.”
“Let’s be clear, I don’t even believe in this climate guff; it ain’t happening, we’re certainly not causing it, and even if we were it’d be good for the planet. But I’m still here to solve it for you. That’s how brilliant I am,” Trump explained.
Some delegates expressed concern that large parts of Canada, Scandinavia and northern Russia would be rendered uninhabitable by the permanent darkness created by Trump’s plan. “So what?” said the tycoon. “They can move, can’t they? I hear there’s plenty of room in Syria these days. Or they can invest in torches, I don’t care.”