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Politics

Published on January 2nd, 2016 | by Flipside

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Donald Trump’s New Year’s Resolutions….

Donald Trump’s 2015 was nothing short of wackadoo. Love him or hate him – hate him – the man puts on a good show. But he knows better than anyone else that there is room for improvement. A better Donald. A Top Trump.

Here is how he plans to improve himself in 2016….

Embrace Intersectionality: Trump finally understands the delicate nature of discussions surrounding issues of gender, race and sexual identity, and has promised to fully explore the discourse – and adjust his language accordingly. He fully recognises the failings of second wave feminism – despite its important achievements – placing himself firmly in the third wave camp. ‘From 2016, my campaign will be a safe space,’ he assures us.

Sponsor a Mosque: Billionaire Trump realises he might have been just a tad harsh on Islam – the global religion with approx. 1.6 billion followers – and so has promised to sponsor a Mosque. Then he said that seemed extravagant, and instead decided to sponsor a single Muslim child with a 20% scholarship to a Jesuit School of their choice (for 1 year only). What? That’s not offensive. The Jesuits run fantastic schools. Quakers too. GOD BLESS AMERICA! He concluded

Take up Tap: Trump believes he has gained weight this year, and has decided to trim down and shed a few pounds before the Republican nomination is decided – by doing tap dancing. ‘No one wants a fat president, they want an all-singing, all-dancing superstar, bringing Hollywood back to politics’ – Trump was quoted as saying (concluding with Jazz Hands) Start wearing a wig: Trump has admitted that with the stress of the presidential race, his real, luscious locks are finally beginning to wear thin. He insists a ‘toupé’ could be the answer, which is basically the same as a wig but more pretentious.

Internet Slang: Hoping to connect with younger voters, Trump has promised to embrace the culture of internet slang. His thirst for the presidency…is real. He will slay…Hillary Clinton. And if visiting the UK, he promised to YAAAAAAAAAASSS…the Queen (that basic bitch).

Make America Great: Trump sees this as a project that should take exactly one year, as there’s so little to fix. He said: ‘The rich are getting richer, Tarantino just made another film and almost everyone has a gun now, so America is pretty much on fleek. This country is a beautiful flower, and I will pollinate her’.

 

 

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