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Commentary

Published on December 11th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Quartermile Residents ‘Shocked’ by Mugging in Europe’s Former Homicide Capital

QUARTERMILE – In wake of the recent Meadows Muggings, Quartermile residents are ‘shocked and appalled’ that any crime occurred in the former homicide capital of Europe. Based on a survey at Peter’s Yard, Flipside found that most residents simply believed tracksuits were a myth until this morning’s Evening Standard came out.

‘It’s terrible honestly,’ Victor MacCashmere told Flipside in his glass palace. ‘That something like a mugging could occur just outside the spiked fence and concrete barrier is horrifying. Like am I safe anymo- don’t touch that, it’s ivory.’

Local criminals are also excited about the news. ‘This really is a victory against the gentrification machine,’ Archie ‘Needle-Eye’ Gray told this reporter. ‘Finally, we can begin to reclaim the neighborhood and restore Edinburgh to its historical roots. Give me all of your money.’

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